The Un-Relationship Story

Before I start, let me just say that I have had NOFX's "Take Two Placebos and Call Me Lame" going through my head all effin' day. I love that song. Go listen to it.

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I wanted to make a new post, but nothing interesting has happened to me recently. So, let me recall an interesting story from my past. Let it be known, I don't care about the person I talk about in this post at all. I'm going to use her real name, and I don't care if she finds out about this.

In my sophomore year of high school, I had an English class. And, in this English class, there was this girl with glasses named Amy. She was Spanish, I think. I never really knew her too well. I was not interested in this girl, and she did not get that memo.

One fine day, which, by the way, was a Thursday, this black girl in the class comes to my desk and gives me a note. The note is not from her, but from the Amy. She already had people working for her. I used to have the note on hand, because the whole experience that this note started was unforgettable. But, basically, this note said that she liked me and would like to hang out with me and stuff. It wasn't crazy or anything. It didn't say stuff like "I want to have your children and run around covered in twigs and berries" or anything. Just a normal "Hey, I like you" letter. Hey, that's alright.

So then, after the class was over, the Amy comes to my desk and says, "So, what did you think of my note?" I, trying to be as nice as possible while still retaining some form of rejection, say, "Oh, I thought it was nice." This relationship is off to a perfect start, no? She asks me my opinion of the letter and what I think and all this while I'm wondering why she's so interested in me. She mentions going to a movie, and I just react like someone who doesn't know English and just nod my head to everything she says. She asks for my number, and I begrudgingly give it to her, because I couldn't think of a nice way to say "no" right then.

The weekend comes, and I'm doing my homework. Trying to. I've had a problem with doing homework for a long time. Homework has this way of making me do the exact opposite of what it wants me to do. It's like going to a movie and then, as you're about to enter the theater, you turn around and drive home.

Back to my point. I'm doing my homework Sunday night. It's 11:30 PM, which is like the equivalent to 1:30 AM in college time. This means I was tired, and I was probably gonna go to bed as soon as the homework was done. It was due the next day, so it had to be finished. Then, the phone rings. I pick it up, and it's Amy. She's says hi, and I say hi, and then she says, "I want to talk to you." Yes, she wants to have intimate conversation at 11:30 at night. That's understandable. Just let me go and kill 20 people with my bare hands and I'll be right with you. Maybe, in her mind, high school kids never went to sleep, and so her request didn't seem so demented.

Anyway, I say (nearly verbatim), "Um, I'm doing homework right now and I really don't have time to talk." I would think that was a polite way of saying no, no? Amy says, "Oh, uh, ok." I then say something about seeing at her at school and the phone conversation ends. Hey, it's not my fault she had uber-awful timing.

So then, the next school day comes and the next English class comes. I sit through it, doing what a sophomore English student does. Then, the same black girl comes over to my desk and gives me a note. And, may I add, she does it angrily. She throws down the note and walks away. Not exaggerated or anything, but up until that point I did not know what an angry note-handing looked like.

I read the note. It's from Amy, again. And, she was super pissed. Ah, this explains why her black friend was angry at me! I just thought it was irrational anger... oh wait, it still was. I wish I knew where this note was, it was so fantastic to read. I couldn't believe how amazing it really was. I'd scan it and post it for the world to see! She asked me what was wrong with me and why I couldn't give her the time she deserved. She said she was trying to be nice and I was being an asshole. She said that if I couldn't be serious about it, she no longer wanted to be with me.

She broke up with me. Amy broke up with me and we were never in a relationship.

I'm sitting there, and I'm reading this note, and a feeling of "WTF" comes over me. This was even before I knew the term "WTF." I basically have no reaction to it. How am I supposed to? Do I go to her desk and say, "Hey, you're a fucking idiot and you don't know what you're talking about?" I probably should have. I fold the note, put it in my pocket, and show it to all my friends as soon as class is over.

So, that was my first official relationship, and it never even happened!


NOFX - "Pump Up the Valuum". Buy it, enjoy it, love it. See you next time!